jerseyse410

Sometimes i think this is my premier emotion. It seems that i enjoy crying though i wish i didn't have to. I wonder why life is so hard. Why does life have to be like this? Striving to become independent then striving to not be lonely then striving to be successful, its always something. Sometimes i wonder if my hope is misplaced or if I truly have found a lit path in the darkness. I used to look down on people that were homeless or suicidal or overly depressed and I'm slowly starting to understand the why behind it. It feels sometimes that life isn't worth the trouble. Maybe happiness is a survival instinct and depression is reality. It's so hard to wake up and change or wake up and wonder if the day before will count for anything. I just want to curl up in a corner and cry my eyes out till there is nothing left but ultimately it is just a temporary release. I think my only redeeming quality is my love but what good is that if i have nothing else to offer? God oh why can't you just take some of this free will away so I don't have to think so hard anymore? Sometimes I wonder if you cursed us with free will instead of blessing us with it. I don't know if I'll ever have the same happiness i had for a few years long ago, but was i really ever happy? what constitutes happiness? Who knows. Maybe I will feel different in the morning, but right now i just feel worthless as a man. This sucks.

So what makes people tick? In a relationship is it truly both ways or is it one person humoring the other? I believe in a relationship that people both encounter a myriad of issues and complications but i think that one partner tends to bear the load, usually this partner being the male. In these trials though, usually one of two things occur: a closeness developing between the two that originally was not there before or the separation of the two will occur due to adverse reactions and or statements by one of the two partners. Relationships usually go through 3 phases: introduction, climax and then one of two things occur, decay if the relationship falls apart or ascent if the relationship warrants a marriage of the two. In the introduction phase, the two get to know each other and become comfortable with each other on a day to day basis. In the climax phase, the two become intimate sexually and emotionally. This stage is also where the conflict and trials occur as the two learn how to or fail to adapt to each other. The decay stage is due to a bad resolution of conflict. This is predated by internal conflict reaching a high before a crisis or argument actually occurs. The beginning of the decay phase is usually a very hostile or very quiet period as neither of the two are really comfortable with or pleased with each other. The end of the decay phase is where one of two things are decided. It is where either the couple decides to split amicably and there are no bad feelings or the couple ends in hostility and any future relations are near impossible. Now this is just my opinion on the relational stages and not to be taken seriously but i do believe that this is truly accurate, at least in my relationships

What keeps us from loving? It is a sense of self preservation? Is it not knowing whether you will break a heart and never be able to understand what went wrong? Or is it because that your heart was broken and you can never know if you can trust yourself to let go and love again? What if things were different? What if life was finally in front of you? What if everyday was a reminder of the past and not a window into the future? What if everything you have done for the past 5 years has been a response to a heartbreak? What if those 5 years taught you everything you know but were wasted? What if seeing what you finally want is plausible? What would you do? Would you drop everything and run into unknown? Would you cry in joy at what is possible or would you cringe in fear at what you do not expect? What if this joy was random? What if this joy had the possibility to be life changing? What if this joy was what you had really been waiting for? What is it in a heart that keeps us from moving forward? Is it time? Has it been long enough? Has the punishment been served? Did the punishment teach you everything you want and never had? Is anything I have done been worth my life? What is another few months in the light of a possible lifetime of happiness? What if the months turn into weeks and the weeks turn into days and the days turn into hours and then hours turn into minutes and the minutes turn into seconds? What if those unknown seconds that have been waited for, for the longest time brought the happiness that is and was so deserved? What if that happiness could change everything but left you with nothing familiar? What if it was worth it? What if it was finally time?


Would you go for it?

I want my own family so bad, i never really had a family growing up and i think that had a lot to do with how i am now but im not sure if its for better or worse. i want my own child to raise with a real father in the house, i would love to have a girl as i was never any good with my father and i wouldnt know how to treat a son. when i love, i love unconditionally. i wonder if that is the best kind for a family, i wonder what it is that keeps a family from breaking apart. i cry tears for the children i have yet to concieve because how can i be the one to deserve love from a child, how can i deserve a family to which i have yet to be privileged? can i ever be secure enough with myself to implicitely trust someone to be with me forever? i am terrified of divorcing after i have my own children, i cringe at the thought of my future children going through what i went. i get teary eyed thinking of about the possibility of holding a bundle of joy and life in my arms and wondering if i would have the courage to do anything it takes to keep my children safe, healthy and happy. the responsibility of family, of life is scary and crushing but at the same time peaceful and exuberant. how could my parents do what they did? how could any parent do the horrible things that i read and see on the news? does not every parent dream of the day they become larger than life to someone else? i wonder if my children will love and respect me? i wonder if i will love them as much as my wife? so many fears, hopes, dreams and wonders await the idea of a family. how many more tears will i shed before the dream becomes a reality?

I wonder if everything we go through in this life has a meaning. we all have to support ourselves but the one glaring difference is the quality of life. is that directly influenced by our decisions or does nature have a hand in it? do we as a society shape the lives around us or are we all responsible for each and every event in our lives that happen? does the quality of life we are raised in transfer to future generations or is it something that everyone can overcome? does the success of the individual factor in to the sucess of the general public? crime aside, the decisions we make on a day to day basis seem to factor to a big picture, but do the decisions have an implication to the meaning of our own life? so i wonder if the 3 factors determine a persons life path or if the random nature of a mind disrupts those entirely. another factor i wonder about is fears and wants, there's truly very little that we need to "exist" per say but is the above a factor in our lifes outcome as well? what is the basis of success? is it something made up by someone or our own minds? is their a success standard that society has embraced or is it something that each individual has to come up with on their own? i wish life had more answers than questions but it seems these days that every answer is vague and non-descript while at the same time opening up even more questions.