Sometimes i think this is my premier emotion. It seems that i enjoy crying though i wish i didn't have to. I wonder why life is so hard. Why does life have to be like this? Striving to become independent then striving to not be lonely then striving to be successful, its always something. Sometimes i wonder if my hope is misplaced or if I truly have found a lit path in the darkness. I used to look down on people that were homeless or suicidal or overly depressed and I'm slowly starting to understand the why behind it. It feels sometimes that life isn't worth the trouble. Maybe happiness is a survival instinct and depression is reality. It's so hard to wake up and change or wake up and wonder if the day before will count for anything. I just want to curl up in a corner and cry my eyes out till there is nothing left but ultimately it is just a temporary release. I think my only redeeming quality is my love but what good is that if i have nothing else to offer? God oh why can't you just take some of this free will away so I don't have to think so hard anymore? Sometimes I wonder if you cursed us with free will instead of blessing us with it. I don't know if I'll ever have the same happiness i had for a few years long ago, but was i really ever happy? what constitutes happiness? Who knows. Maybe I will feel different in the morning, but right now i just feel worthless as a man. This sucks.